Count Your Blessings Now
by The Reaver of Souls
Summary: Three years after the war Squall is still trying to get over his first love. When Seifer turns up again Squall realizes that you can be moments too late to save the one person who always mattered. SeiferSquall.


**Count Your**** Blessings Now**

_**Balamb Garden**_

_**Three years after the Sorceress War**_

_**You took my hand you showed me how**_

_**You promised me you'd be around, uh huh, that's right**_

_**I took your words and I believed**_

_**In everything you said to me, yeah huh, that's right**_

Being the hero of the world would have been enough for any man to retire on. That person would have the respect of the world, loyal friends and a loving wife who constantly tried to help him come out of his shell. If didn't matter to Squall Leonhart one way or the other anymore. The Lion of Balamb hadn't felt anything other than a deep seated emptiness for three years now. Squall continued to stare out of the window that overlooked the Garden.

He was now the Headmaster, Cid had retired and he and his wife Edea had gone back to the Orphanage to rebuild it. Zell, Irvine, Selphie and Quistis all taught at the garden and Rinoa was now a powerful Sorceress who was helping to bring peace between Galbadia and Balamb after the Ultimecia Incident. President Loire, Squall's father, was ruling Esthar justly and he was making up for lost time with his son. Squall should have been happy. The Lion was far from that alien emotion.

For three years he felt like something was missing in his life but he could never put his finger on it. In the back of his mind Shiva was whispered to him, she was always doing that these days and it was beginning to really irritate the Balamb Lion.

He recalled images of beautiful jade eyes with just a touch of sky blue to draw attention. He remembered golden hair that was as soft as silk and peppered with a spicy scent. The brunet also remembered kiss bruised lips, flushed skin and a tight heat he had been so addicted to.

Squall remembered what it was like to be Seifer's Almasy's lover but it was all useless to him now. He and cared for Almasy once, even during the Sorceress War but he had Rinoa now and he loved her. He and married the woman for Hyne's sake. They had been married for a little over two years, they didn't have any children yet and the world loved the fairytale ending for the Knight and the Princess. So the emptiness should have gone away when Squall proposed. It only got worse.

He and Seifer had only been together for a year before the war tore them apart like that. The blond Gunblader had even given Squall his choker. Seifer had a replica made for himself, he wanted Squall to have the real thing. The brunet still kept the choker in a metal box in his room. Not once and he worn it or thrown it away. Three years after the war and Seifer Almasy still managed to ruin his life.

_**If someone said three years from now**_

_**You'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them up**_

_**Cause they're all wrong**_

_**I know better cause you said forever**_

_**And ever, who knew**_

Squall ran a finger along his forehead were his scar should have been. When his old rival had crawled back to the Garden begging to be forgiven Squall had told him to get out before he had him executed on the spot. When the broken blond left Squall had gone to see Rinoa so that she could get rid of the mark that bound him to Seifer. When he looked in the mirror these days Squall could only see a shell of who he was once. He started to miss that facial scar but more than that, he started to miss the man who gave it to him.

The others never spoke about Seifer anymore and Squall didn't know whether to be angry or happy about that. Seifer had become another memory in the Garden, among the Instructors and the Students. He was the man who never made SeeD, the traitor to Balamb, the Sorceress Knight, and the man who didn't deserve to be forgiven. Edea was treated well and the people loved her at the Garden. She had been the helpless puppet under control.

Sometimes Squall wanted to scream that Seifer had been a puppet, he never wanted to hurt anybody and he had been manipulated just like Edea had been before him. The icy brunet never spoke up for Seifer, not once in those three years since the blond left the Garden, tears staining his angelic face while everyone present heard his repeated mantra of 'I'm sorry.' Life went on for Balamb Garden just like Squall knew it would. Today was exactly one week from Seifer's birthday, funny how he remembered that, or maybe he just didn't want to forget.

Squall scowled at himself, his reflection in the glass was obscured with the pouring rain and his stormy eyes flashed. He was sick and tired of this shit. Always feeling lonely and empty and thinking about his rival who was most likely dead in a gutter somewhere. He tried to tell his heart that Seifer was long dead now but that annoying organ lodged in his chest refused to listen to him. It beat with a terrible pain every time he thought about Seifer lying dead somewhere.

"Just get out of my head Almasy." Squall snarled at his reflection. The door to his office opened and Zell Dincht entered, his face solemn which as rare for the hyperactive little blond.

_**Remember when we were such fools**_

_**And so convinced and just too cool, oh no, oh no**_

_**I wish I could touch you again**_

_**I wish I could still call you friend**_

_**I'd give anything**_

"Squall; there are two kids at the front gate asking for you." Zell told the Headmaster.

"What do they want?" Squall snapped irritably.

"They said it's about Seifer." Zell whispered so softly Squall almost missed it.

"What?" Squall felt his heart beat faster and his eyes were as wide as dinner plates.

"They're at the front gate waiting for you." Zell repeated and he turned to leave. "Seifer is with them." The little blond murmured then he left.

Squall sat in his chair, his thoughts in turmoil as well as his emotions. Why was Seifer here? Why did he come back again? What did he want now? The Headmaster was on his feet and running for the elevator as quickly as he could. He had grabbed Lion Heart on the way out of his office; he wasn't taking any chances as far as Seifer was concerned. Finally the lift stopped on the first floor and as Squall left the elevator he saw the vast majority of the Garden standing near the front gates.

The students parted like water to allow the Headmaster through to see who was asking for him. Zell, Irvine, Rinoa, Quistis and Selphie were already at the gate, their weapons drawn and ready for a fight. Squall stopped dead in his tracks when he took in the sight of his once proud rival and ex-lover. Seifer was barely the man he used to be. He was so thin and frail. His clothes hung off his sickly figure. His hair was touching his shoulders and was a dirty straw coloured. His jade eyes were just empty glass orbs.

"Hello Squall." Seifer whispered. "It's been a while."

"Seifer…" Squall breathed in shock. On either side of Seifer there were two teenagers. One had purple and red hair and the other had blue hair to match his wide eyes.

"I wanted to talk to you Squall." Seifer said solemnly.

"Why? So you can beg for forgiveness again?" Squall sneered. Squall was shocked into silence when Seifer offered him a sad, resigned smile then shook his head.

"I'm not looking for that anymore. I'll never get it. I just wanted to know if I could stay here for a little while." Seifer asked softly.

"What do you want Almasy?" Squall repeated angrily. The others were getting ready for a fight.

"You're not welcome here anymore Seifer." Quistis spoke up.

"I know that." The blond replied, startling everyone with his word and manner.

"So why did you come back?" Zell asked his childhood tormentor.

"I want to die." Seifer replied simply. Silence descended across the Garden and it seemed only Squall's harsh breathing could be heard.

"What?" he choked. The two boys along with Seifer had tears streaming down their faces and whenever they looked at Squall their eyes filled with pain and anger.

"I'm sick Squall. I just want to die in the place I grew up in." Seifer answered simply.

"You're sick?" Squall muttered, disbelief setting in.

"Yeah…and I'm not gonna get any better." Seifer shrugged.

"This is just some pathetic joke so you can get back into the garden." Squall yelled suddenly.

"Look at him you fucking asshole!" the purple haired boy suddenly screamed. "He's sick! You're gonna deny him a chance to die in peace?"

"Roxii." The blue haired boy said softly.

"I'm sorry Kai." Roxii sniffed.

"Guys, please." Seifer murmured to his companions. The blond looked towards Squall's friends and found them staring wide eyed at him. They didn't know what to say or feel.

_**When someone said count your blessings now**_

_**Before they're long gone**_

_**I guess I just didn't know how I was all wrong**_

_**They knew better still you said forever**_

_**And ever, who knew**_

"Why should we believe you? You were the Sorceress Knight." Squall hissed.

"You don't have to believe me Leonhart. I just want to talk to you in private please." Seifer pleaded suddenly.

"What about those two?" Squall motioned to Kai and Roxii.

"They won't hurt anybody." Seifer stated.

"I can't let you stay here Almasy. You still pose a threat." Squall replied even though he sounded unsure.

"Will you get off you fucking high horse and take a good look at him." Roxii snarled.

"This was a bad idea Seif." Kai moaned and he started to pull Seifer away.

"Guys I have to do this. You know there's no cure. It's past treatment." Seifer said softly.

"But we'll take care of you! Come back with us Seif." Kai begged.

"I can't." Seifer murmured. "Squall, I just want to talk for a few minutes."

"You have five minutes." Squall folded his arms.

"I contracted some kind of sickness off one of my…customers you could say. It's past treatment already. I just want to spend what little time I have in my old home." Seifer explained.

"We can talk. But try anything..." Squall let the threat hang in the air.

"Thank you." Seifer whispered.

Squall's friends kept an eye on Roxii and Kai while Seifer followed Squall back into the main area of the Garden. Not one of the students or SeeDs would approach the ex-Knight and Squall's glacial glares made it impossible for anyone to say or do anything about Seifer's presence.

Squall led the blond to his office for privacy, the Lion Heart Gunblade always in his hands, ready for a fight. Once they reached the office Seifer sat down in a chair facing Squall's desk while the Headmaster remained standing by the window.

"So why are you here Almasy?" Squall demanded. Seifer sighed, he knew Squall wouldn't be this easy to convince.

"I told you Leonhart, I'm sick. I probably caught it off some guy I was fucking or a guy who was fucking me. It could have been a woman though." Seifer smiled sadly.

"What are you telling me?" Squall barked.

"I was a fucking whore living in Esthar Squall." Seifer shouted suddenly. The brunet stepped back at the announcement.

"You sold yourself?" Squall whispered in shock. He never knew that Seifer would sink that low.

"What else could I do Leonhart? I had to sell Hyperion to rent a room. I sell my body every night to make a living. Apparently I'm the tightest ass any of those guys ever had the pleasure of fucking." Seifer snorted.

"So you want me to feel sorry for you is that it?" Squall said emotionlessly. On the inside his heart was shattering apart. He shouldn't feel this bad; he shouldn't feel like he had betrayed Seifer in some way.

"No, you have no right to feel sorry for me. I deserved it right?" Seifer snapped. The blond calmed down before continuing, unable to look his ex-lover in the eye when he spoke the next part.

"Do you ever...miss me Squall?" Seifer asked softly.

_**I'll keep you locked in my head**__** until we meet again**_

_**And I won't forget you my friend what happened?**_

_**If someone said three years from now**_

_**You'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them up**_

_**Cause they're all wrong**_

Squall stated open mouthed at his former lover, his heart racing at that simple question that had been plaguing Squall's own mind for three years straight. Was there a point in lying anymore to the blond? The Lion turned away from the observing blond.

It would be a lie if he said that he hated the man. He was so angry with Seifer after the war; Squall just wanted the older man to suffer for what he had done. Look where that anger had gotten Seifer. Squall didn't bother turning back to face his first love, fearful of the open pain Seifer would see in stormy blue eyes.

"It doesn't matter anymore Almasy. I married Rinoa, I moved on from you. What's the point in asking me that?" Squall bit out.

"I guess I just wanted to know...if you ever missed me, if you missed us." Seifer said quietly.

"No...I don't miss you." Squall said coldly.

"But am I forgiven?" Seifer asked.

"For what you did in the war...or to me?" Squall choked. It was harder than he thought to confront Seifer about this.

"Both. I'm so sorry for what I did Squall. And I don't expect you to ever forgive me for what I did. I just wanted to say that, to let you know that I..." Seifer stopped as he tried to find the words but in the end he settled for the truth. "I still love you."

"Don't you dare say that Almasy." Squall snarled as he turned to face the blond. "Did you think I'd come crawling back to you?"

"I never fucking said that!" Seifer cried.

"Come on Seifer, I know you. I've got enough problems as it is without having you hanging around here following me everywhere like you use to." Squall sneered.

"Hyne, I tell you how I fucking feel, what I've been through and you manage to turn it around and make yourself the victim here." Seifer exploded.

"Get out Seifer." Squall hissed.

"Just let me stay here Squall. I'll be dead soon so what the fuck do you have to lose?" Seifer cried.

"Fine, you can stay. At least when you die I know you'll finally leave me alone!"

Squall wanted to take the words back. Just saying them made him feel like the biggest bastard on the face of the planet. Seifer's eyes became devoid of whatever emotion he had left within them. The blond looked away, desperate to hide the utter hurt Squall had inflicted on him with those words.

Squall was right; it would be in everyone's best interests if he just died already. He knew Roxii and Kai would miss him. For three years they had been the only family he had. At least he would be missed by someone.

"Then I guess that's it." Seifer stood up. "Thanks for letting me stay Headmaster. I won't bother you again."

The blond left without looking back once, leaving only a desolate silence and a soul chilling cold in his wake. Squall wanted to get up and chase Seifer. He wanted to just tell the blond he was sorry for throwing him away. Squall sat frozen in his chair while his over active brain did all the processing. The Headmaster closed his eyes, desperate to shut off the pained screaming that came from within the one place he never listened to...his heart.

_**And that last kiss I'll cherish until we meet again**_

_**And time makes it harder I wish I could remember **_

_**But I keep your memory you visit me in my sleep**_

_**My darling, who knew**_

For one week Squall avoided Seifer like the plague. The brunet didn't want to think about the blond who was now living in the Garden again. The others were too guilt ridden to talk to Seifer but they tried to mend bridges all the same.

Roxii and Kai were given temporary accommodations in Balamb Garden. Both boys were highly protective of Seifer and they made it known that they hated Squall. Kadowaki had confirmed Seifer's story, he had contracted a disease that was beyond healing.

Seifer's condition only deteriorated. He started coughing up blood and he was prone to savage migraines. He barely ate anything anymore and the migraines prevented him from getting a decent night's sleep. Roxii and Kai became popular within the Garden despite their sordid history working in the slums of Esthar. Squall couldn't bring himself to look at the once proud blond anymore. Seifer looked so frail and withered away. He was nothing like the Seifer Squall remembered.

Rinoa had tried to get Squall to talk to the ex-Knight but she may as well have conversed with a wall. The Headmaster never told anyone about his past affair with Seifer Almasy. He didn't want to have to explain to his friends and wife why he couldn't bare to look at Seifer anymore. The students and faculty weren't thrilled to have the ex-Knight among their ranks again. Some had gone out of the way to make Seifer's life a living hell but not once did the man complain or fight back.

Exactly three weeks after Seifer's return the news spread like wildfire across the Garden. It was the day Squall's world shattered apart like fragile glass and he knew nothing would be ok again. Zell was in the Cafeteria, Quistis was teaching a class, Irvine and Selphie were bringing their daughter home from Day Care and Squall was with Rinoa. It had been Roxii who delivered the news to the Headmaster.

_**My darling, my darling, who knew**_

_**My darling, I miss you, my darling, who knew**_

Seifer Almasy had shot himself.

_**Who knew...**_

**_Note-_**the song is Who Knew and it belongs to Pink. I also own Roxii and Kai. If I get enough reviews I'll write a follow up.

****


End file.
